And who could blame them? 

The 10% of us that are born with a feisty temperament are often referred to as difficult, moody, inflexible, intense, unpredictable, sensitive to external stimuli, determined, and loud.

Now, I know we do, of course, love that child sometimes in spite of ourselves.  Especially the passion with which they approach life.  But living under the same roof as a feisty child must be managed with parenting finesse, especially those first critical formative years (zero - six).  

Deborah Solomon, Executive Director of RIE, reminded me recently about one of Magda Gerber’s traits which attracted all types of parents to the RIE Approach, acceptance.

No matter the parenting “sin”, confessions of inadequacy, or conflicting beliefs, Magda listened intently, respectfully, and without judgement.  She offered no quick fixes- actually, no fixes at all- just patient understanding, guidance as needed, and seemingly all the time in the world.  

Remembering Magda and my own feelings of acceptance and belonging in her presence brought tears to my eyes, which I admit, even surprised me.  Such a simple word “acceptance”- but according to Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, it along with belonging are third in line after physiological care and safety and necessary for self-actualization.

But how does one ACCEPT this emotionally out-of-control, screaming three year old who has just aired it out in the middle of grocery store amidst a cart full, including thawing ice cream, over a simple denial to his request for candy, candy and more candy and did I mention- there are plenty of witnesses?

You’d have to be a saint- which I am not.  So, I try for understanding first and find http://www.aifs.gov.au/afrc/pubs/briefing/briefing4.html#connections

“Research findings regarding the parenting of volatile, feisty children

Children who are volatile and feisty can be challenging to parent. They respond intensely and strongly, can be easily frustrated, and find it hard to control their emotions. Parents' boundaries and rules may be tested, and parents may find their resolve undermined or respond more extremely in an effort to maintain control. Gerald Patterson and colleagues describe this as a "coercive cycle" (Patterson, Reid, & Dishion, 1992; Scaramella & Leve, 2004). Patterson's theory proposes that inexperienced or less skilful parents, who may overreact to minor non-compliance, are inflexible, or use harsh or inconsistent discipline, are liable to become involved in negative interactions with temperamentally volatile children. These escalate over time as parents and children increase their demands on each other and often end with the parent resorting to physical discipline or giving up. The child learns that demanding behaviour can be successful, aggression is acceptable, and fails to learn alternative problem solving skills. Aggressive behaviour can then become ingrained over time, leading to peer rejection, school failure, attachment to antisocial friends, and antisocial behaviour in adolescence. There is considerable evidence supporting many aspects of this theory.

Drawing from this research, parenting that is assertive, patient and firm as well as warm and affectionate appears most appropriate for volatile, feisty children. A gentle style of parenting is less effective with these children. Limit setting, maintaining consistency and following through with consequences are also important, as is parental support and affirmation of good behaviour (e.g. praising, rewarding). Finally, the research is clear-cut about the long-term ill effects of harsh or physical discipline on these children.”

Raising a feisty child is a bumpy road where one is sure to encounter a few mis-steps.  Plan for plenty of time-  you can’t take a bumpy road quickly.  But I have always found travels along unpaved roads the most rewarding.      

Go Slow.  And then Go Slower.  Magda Gerber